Secret in your own life...

At this juncture in my life I couldn't imagine being in the closet. It took me awhile to come out to my mom and she struggled but I was willing to lose her versus hide who I was any longer. *thats a whole other blog for another day* I couldn't imagine being with someone who was not out to their family and friends. I have seen so many women asking for advice on this very subject and I feel bad for them because I know how it feels to be a secret in your own life. Loving someone and not being able to shout it from the rooftops is heart breaking. You try to understand and compromise about what can and can't happen in your relationship and it just makes you feel like a guest in your own relationship. Like when it's "appropriate" you can come in and play but when it's not you're left outside looking in wishing you could be a part of the party.

I was seeing this girl at one point in time and she was very feminine so she was "passing". My mom was close with her aunt so her aunt decided to introduce us because she thought we'd get along. We started talkin and she asked me not to tell her aunt because she wasn't out to her family. Now this worked out because we lived in two different states but when I decided to move she freaked out because her family might find out about us. I wasn't allowed over when her family was over and I was basically treated like a stranger when her aunt invited me over for their family functions. But she was quick to call me for booty calls when she was in the mood. It worked out for awhile because I cared for her but I was starting to feel unwanted and resentful. I wanted more and she wasn't willing to budge. She thought I should be ok with how our relationship was because we were together and that should be enough. I took that as "you should be grateful with the crumbs that you are given". Since I wasn't grateful I started seeing other women and we became "friends with benefits". No I wasn't sleeping with all the women just her and that worked for us both for awhile.

I endured a lot of insensitive bullshit from people who didn't matter when I came out. However, I am very fortunate that I have a family that has been supportive, minus my moms brief stint in the land of ignorance. I can't ever see myself dating another woman who is not out to her family. I know we fall for who we fall for but it is so hard to be a secret in your own relationship. Having two bedrooms in the house so when family comes over no one knows you sleep in the same room, calling your partner your "roommate", not being able to go to holiday functions together and the list goes on, it's depressing and stressful. 

If you are out and your partner is not, how much can you endure before "love" isn't enough? When does being a secret in your own relationship make you resent your partner? When you start feeling restricted and resentful of your relationship is that when it's time to go? I suppose when you realize that the same restraints that held you in the closet before are the same restraints that are holding your relationship in limbo, you will finally make a decision about your future happiness. 

That is all...