Should I stay

I see the question "should I stay?" asked in many different situations. I understand getting someone else's opinion but ultimately it's up to you whether you stay or not. It's up to you how many times you can take banging your head into a wall before you realize it hurts. None of us likes to fail and I believe that's why we stay far longer than we should. Even when our gut tells us it's time to go we make excuses for the other person why we should stay. 

I am no exception. The reason I had to self reflect and soul search was because I chose to hang onto a relationship that I knew months before was spiraling in the wrong direction. I made excuse after excuse about why it was not going well. I explained away in my head the uneasy feelings that I was having and I let my fear of failure keep me in a relationship that was unhealthy and unproductive. I stayed with a person who didn't deserve the things I was trying to accomplish in life nor the things I was doing for her. I stayed because in my heart she wasn't as bad as my head and my gut were telling me. I was engaged for Gods sake and she wouldn't have said "Yes" if she weren't serious... Right?

I knew long before the break up that she was not who I should've been engaged to or in a relationship. I knew things were not right but I wouldn't let myself let go. I was hanging onto a thread of hope that it was just nerves and that things would get back to where they used to be but I knew better. I knew there was no way we were going back. I started to resent the ground she walked on. I would look at her and be so disgusted that I'd have to look away. Her whole attitude and behavior were just disgusting to me. She was disgusting to me! How did I fool myself into thinking this individual was wife material? I basically slammed my head against a wall for months before I realized it hurt. I allowed myself to be manipulated, lied to, cheated on and down right used! I allowed myself to be sucked into a world that was unhealthy and I let it happen out of fear of failure. 

I could blame her for everything. I could pon off all the failure on her because she said "Yes"... But why?!! I knew! I knew deep down that it wasn't working. I knew months before the break that we were done. I knew that I was not going to marry this girl because she was not for me. She was not the "one". I knew and yet I stayed. I chose not to let her go long before it got out of hand. I talked with several people and yet I still stayed. I asked their opinion knowing that I wouldn't leave. I made excuses for staying... I made excuses for her behavior. Basically I made excuses for my fear of failure. I rammed my head into the fucking wall more times than I want to admit! 

So you can ask the question "Should I stay?" and you will get a slew of opinions crossing the gamut. It won't matter because until you realize that slamming your head against a brick wall hurts, you will continue to make excuses. You will continue to stay out of fear of failure. What we fail to realize is that leaving a toxic relationship is not failure. All it is is a hard lesson learned.

That is all...